Kill Marry F

So how many of you actually know what that is.Well briefly its actually Kill Marry Fuck (and in some cases if you have 4 you can add conjoined)...It's a game, and basically you find a picture of 3 or 4 people and you decide which person you would do each with...how does this come into play you may wonder (by the end of this it all connects)..it seems rather stupid and it is. but i dont no its funny to see who would do wat if they had to...this all sort of came about after watching a youtube vid where the cast of SON had to pick which they would do those 4 things with from the cast of 3 way...this in turn got me thinking more about SON (South Of Nowhere) and how i can relate to it...SON is about this girl, Spencer Carlin, who moves from Ohio to California and meets the intriguing Ashley Davies. Ashley is "not into labels" and Spencer starts out straight, gets a little bended and eventually jump ship and joins the other team. thats the story in a nutshell. but how do i relate, well i dont have an Ashley davies, i didnt move, and i dont have a psycho homophobic mother, but i did have the whole " straight, bend, change"... yes thats right, for anyone who didnt know by now im gay...*pauses for a moment to let you take that in like you didnt already know*...

When you admit to being Gay it's kind of a big deal, i mean you never really know how people are going to take it, will they hate you, love you, ditch you, tell you your going to hell, there are endless possibilities. luckily for me i didnt have that really, parents are good, friends are okay (i sometimes wonder though if they really are), and any one who isnt cool hasnt said much to me yet. In the LGBQTT community (which i have only now really become a part of, but was intrigued by for many years) most would say they were born the way they are, and this is pretty much the only thing i cant figure out for myself. I think perhaps i was, looking back i wasnt into boys (really there was only 1 i liked), but then again its not like i was secretly pinning for girls (at least not really till grade 11)...I was just more on the outside, just sort of like watever, play the straight card, pretend to like boys ( "I was so in Denial" as my friend would say), plaster my walls in pictures of male actors and models (which now i am just to lazy to take down so they are still up there)...i suppose i was probably born this way and thats fine, but i sometimes wonder if it was more of a choice. I choose to like girls over boys maybe its that simple, its not like i have to ( i suppose i could lie and choose boys) but really why lie? Some people would even say since i havent dated a guy a cant possibly for sure be gay, whats with that? that is like telling a blind person they cant enjoy a sunny day cuz they cant see. Its all about feelings and when you crush on a girl for 2-3 years straight and never look at a boy, im pretty sure that makes you fit the profile, add in a few more crushes, a kiss, and well ya it all suddenly makes sense. i mean there is more to this than i am willing to tell, but just trust me on this. inside i no im gay, i no im different, i no what i feel, and i know who i feel wat towards.

Its like the world is a whole new place to me right now, like its the same place i have always been, but now its that much better. i dont spend nights wondering about my future and who i will marry. i dont have to fight with myself over the feelings i had for a girl. i dont feel so out of place and lost. i feel like i fit somewhere. i feel like there are others out there like me. i feel like for once in my life things may actually work out better than i thought. i also feel like the friends i have that stand beside me now are true. that i dont have to worry about them stabbing me in the back. Even though the 2 of them were like "i kinda thought so", it's cool to have them around and at my side. it's even better that the one girl i crushed on for so long, is in no way freaked out over the crush, she knew and now loves to play it up.

That is how i got from one stupid game, to feeling a true connection for once with the world around me. this has been a pretty personal blog and i will try to stay away from that but i am okay with all that i have said, and whether the people who choose to read this decide to accept me or not, it really doesnt matter. i have myself, my family, my friends, and most of all i have a future that looks kinda bright...
...I think i am found....